If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
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I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
never deleting this app.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.