A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
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I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.