Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
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I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite