[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
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don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.