i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
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I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I think the cat got the dog high.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
It be like that sometimes 😆
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?