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The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I put the p in pants.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.