[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
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I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *