Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
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In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.