My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
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Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES