I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
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My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Don’t tell me what to do
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat