“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
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very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
accurate
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?