Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
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Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great