You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
You Might Also Like
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation