Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
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wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.