.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
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I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women