My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
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Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.