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“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]