Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
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Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.