Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
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As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.