Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
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[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
😂 amazing answer
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”