met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
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Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.