i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
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Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.