Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
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Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.