I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
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I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
This is enough internet for the day.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.