If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
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Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad