Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
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[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
How to wake up a Beagle
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.