I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
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waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Breaking news:
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh