I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
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Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)