A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
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“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
*lint rolls you awake*
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Not my job 😂
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that