Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
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Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
The internet is magic sometimes.
is this how new cars are made??
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me: