[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
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DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache