The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
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The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
New Tinder profile.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
This could be us… but you playing
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
it must be school picture day
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
he’s sick of your bullshit today