I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
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Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Des Moines Police having a normal one