Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
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I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists