Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
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me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Meme Monday.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.