I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
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Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.