A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
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before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Heroic Misunderstanding
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Happy Friday
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many