The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
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Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
When you kidnap a writer.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.