(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
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[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”