[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
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why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.