Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
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Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
This raises questions
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.