Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
You Might Also Like
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.