Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
You Might Also Like
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window