You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
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Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku