I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
You Might Also Like
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
wtf management?!
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’