Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
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Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
In space, no one can hear…
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended