90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
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not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Who chose this font
Its true…
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
These aliens are taking forever.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.