Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
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My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
#TopTip
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.