[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
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I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”