Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
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If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.